You Think They’re Eating Babies?

The Weekly News Roundup That Made Us Question Reality

At some point, America stopped feeling like a country and started feeling like a Netflix series written by three interns and a conspiracy subreddit.

Welcome to this week’s news.

Grab a drink. You’re going to need it.

1. ICE Stats and the “Nonviolent” Word Gymnastics

CBS drops a headline:
“Only 14% of ICE detainees committed violent crimes.”

Sounds comforting. Until you read the fine print.

“Nonviolent” includes:

• Drug trafficking

• Human smuggling

• Fraud

• DUIs

• Child pornography

Oh good. Totally peaceful hobbies.

Apparently, if you didn’t stab someone in aisle 4, you’re basically a youth pastor.

And let’s not forget the 40% stat: “No criminal record.”

In the U.S.

That’s like saying, “He’s never robbed a bank in this zip code.”

The issue isn’t the numbers. It’s the framing. When legal categories and common sense diverge, the internet fills in the gaps… and suddenly we’re back to:

“You think they’re eating babies?”

2. Epstein Files: Transparency With Black Highlighter

Another week. Another hearing. Another round of redacted PDFs that look like CIA Mad Libs.

The question everyone keeps asking:

Where are the arrests?

Where are the consequences?

Where is literally anything that suggests powerful people ever trip over their own shoelaces?

You don’t need to believe wild conspiracy theories to notice a pattern. The longer accountability “is coming soon,” the louder the internet gets.

And when institutions stay quiet long enough, the conversation escalates from “who’s involved?” to “burn it all down.”

That’s how we go from skepticism to full PizzaGate cosplay in 45 seconds.

3. Government Shutdown Chicken

Nothing says “functional democracy” like playing budget roulette with federal paychecks.

Every few months Congress threatens to shut down the government like it’s a gym membership they’re not using anyway.

Both sides claim moral high ground. Nobody balances a budget. Everyone’s net worth grows.

Strange how that works.

4. Olympics: USA, But Make It Awkward

Some Team USA athletes made it clear they have complicated feelings about representing the country.

Which is fine. You don’t have to agree with every politician.

But if you’re wearing USA across your chest, maybe save the existential dread for after the medal ceremony.

Meanwhile, Latvia bravely entered the chat and got reminded that America occasionally treats international competition like a warm-up drill.

5. Kurt Cobain and the Resurrection of Forensics Twitter

A new independent forensic analysis claims Cobain’s death may have been staged.

Authorities: “Still suicide.”

Internet: “Hold my flannel.”

Here’s the rule of 2026:
If a case involved fame, money, or elites, it will never die.

The real question isn’t whether the report is right.

It’s why nobody trusts official answers anymore.

6. Voter ID: The 20-Year Argument That Refuses to Age

Requiring proof of citizenship to vote is either:

• Common sense
  or

• The end of democracy

Depending on who you ask.

This debate has been reheated more times than leftover Super Bowl dip.

But it never goes away, because it sits right at the intersection of identity, trust, and political paranoia.

Which, again, brings us back to our title.

When institutions lose credibility, people start assuming the worst possible thing.

Sometimes that’s wrong.

Sometimes that’s reckless.

Sometimes it’s understandable.

7. Super Bowl Culture Wars, Because Of Course

The game ends.

The halftime arguments begin.

People claiming moral collapse.

People claiming artistic brilliance.

And somewhere in the middle, 128 million people just wanted to eat wings and watch football.

The Real Story

The real story isn’t any single headline.

It’s the pattern.

• Institutions say “trust us.”

• Media says “it’s complicated.”

• Internet says “prove it.”

• Everyone yells.

• Nobody believes anyone.

Healthy skepticism is necessary.

Full-blown hysteria is not.

The space between those two is where most Americans actually live.

And that’s where this show lives too.

Funny. Skeptical. Midwest.
No cults. No sermons. No tinfoil hats required.

Just questions.